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13 October 2011 @ 09:16 am
Dare I say it?? Or if, by speaking it aloud, will I break the spell and the curse will return in full force times ten? I am in love. 

Not, oh, yeah, we just met, like each other, feel all squishy love.

It's indescribable, because there are no words. "I love you" is so inadequate. He is my best friend......he accepts every part of me, good and bad, and just rolls with the punches. he looks out for me, supports me, encourages me, laughs with me, holds me when I cry, wakes up in a good mood, never gets mad or impatient, loves all my cooking, and makes me feel more complete than I have ever been. 

I never believed in soul mates. Not for me, anyway. And though I do know a few who would swear they had found theirs, too many others are so quick to move on when a spouse dies. Soul mate, to me, means just that-- SOUL mate. There can be only one.

And I have finally, after all these years, found mine. At the age of 42, when I had actually given up. 

Though fear of past experiences hovers around the edges, I can't help but smile. "He puts his arms around me and I'm home."
Current Mood: lovedloved
07 October 2011 @ 06:20 am
Waiting for what, I don't know, but the silence of the morning is deafening. Trying to come up out of the ooze......this hole that sucks me further and further in.......made some new friends, laugh a lot, which helps, but what if they turn on me too? I feel like the only prey in a forest of hungry predators.

Creativity flows like water, feeding off my inner turmoil....must I always be so desolate in order to write?
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
28 September 2011 @ 11:54 am
I have been in this place for a month now.......I want to go home, but that yawning chasm of emptiness scares the hell out of me. This is also the time of year that brings with it the most ghosts, and I am not in a hurry to be alone when they come.

My dreams have been angry lately.....I have never dealt with anger at things that have happened to me, and I think it is beginning to rise to the surface, and I'm not so sure being home alone with now would be a good idea anyway. In a fit of displaced anger several days ago I slashed the hell out of my upper arm. I should have gotten stitches, but I told no one, as that would have ended me in the hospital for longer than I care, and this place is better than that.

I have been praying a lot, mostly for other people, and they have been working, so I began praying for myself. But all I ask for myself is strength and courage.

Counseling today, which has been brutal lately. Every week I go to spill my guts and tears, only to come back exhausted and hurting. Feeling the pain is part of the process, but I could go without it.

Jasmine turned 6 yesterday. It's the first birthday I have ever missed.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
18 September 2011 @ 12:43 pm
...since I have journaled, and I think that is perhaps part of my problem. I write here because everything I write in the other one keeps posting to facebook, and I haven't yet figured out how to make it stop.

How can you be with a man for almost 4 years.....know him inside and out, love him, make plans for marriage, only to one day wake up and find out he has gotten engaged to another? I trusted him...I still do, with everything that matters....and he says he misses me, and wants me, but has promised himself to another, though he was already promised to me.

The pain, is indescribable. I overdosed and didn't wake up for 4 days. I cut and ended up in the hospital, and now I spend my days in my room at a group home, because on my one visit home, I cut myself yet again.

I am sad, angry, frustrated, and fearful. Is this my life?? To always be betrayed by those i trust, to spend my days in group homes because I am a danger to myself, to wonder if my life will ever be more than what it is?

And through it all, I just want him back.  He was my best friend.

I read the bible every morning and every night. I pray fopr strength, and it does come...just enough to get me by. I know I must endure this pain until it runs it's course..........much like losing someone in death.

This hurts. This is hell.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
19 May 2011 @ 09:27 pm
Rivulets of red that run-
tears and blood
have become one.

The chasm yawns
and opens wider-
my terror dies;
my screams grow quieter.

There is no use
in fighting now-
the script is writ,
my fate somehow

has come to this,
and only this....
an empty grave,
no one to miss

me when I'm done.
Not gone, just finished.
An end to pain...
that's all I wished.
Tags: ,
19 May 2011 @ 07:42 pm
I wish you would just kill me. What is the point to existing if everyday breaks your heart? Pieces so shattered; no longer able to put back together, tears and holes in the hollowness where my soul used to live. Rain has purpose; sunshine has a reason; even a mosquito has a place in the world. Where is mine? Where do I fit in to the vast empty yawning of each day? And what will be left of my scarred, bloody body when I finally figure it out?

Rivulets of blood-sacred, life-force- the only thing keeping me human anymore.......when is it enough to appease? When is it enough to atone? What did I ever do besides live?

Child of nothingness, of no one.....like the angel, cast aside, and yet I hope....like a dog to it's master, waiting for a crumb that never falls.

And yet, every morning, still, I awaken. And not for lack of trying to stay asleep.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
07 March 2005 @ 09:36 am
Current Mood: chipperchipper