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18 September 2011 @ 12:43 pm
It's been a long time....  
...since I have journaled, and I think that is perhaps part of my problem. I write here because everything I write in the other one keeps posting to facebook, and I haven't yet figured out how to make it stop.

How can you be with a man for almost 4 years.....know him inside and out, love him, make plans for marriage, only to one day wake up and find out he has gotten engaged to another? I trusted him...I still do, with everything that matters....and he says he misses me, and wants me, but has promised himself to another, though he was already promised to me.

The pain, is indescribable. I overdosed and didn't wake up for 4 days. I cut and ended up in the hospital, and now I spend my days in my room at a group home, because on my one visit home, I cut myself yet again.

I am sad, angry, frustrated, and fearful. Is this my life?? To always be betrayed by those i trust, to spend my days in group homes because I am a danger to myself, to wonder if my life will ever be more than what it is?

And through it all, I just want him back.  He was my best friend.

I read the bible every morning and every night. I pray fopr strength, and it does come...just enough to get me by. I know I must endure this pain until it runs it's course..........much like losing someone in death.

This hurts. This is hell.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
minuet1965minuet1965 on September 18th, 2011 09:33 pm (UTC)
Hi there...

Glad to see you post. We're the opposite as I don't like posting to FB.
I know what you mean about trust. I am having a HECK of a time trusting Jon. I'll do everything in my power to push him away but he doesn't go!! In fact I even ASKED him to go and he said ,"No, I don't want to". WTF! At this point he really wants me to trust him and I really don't want to. I'd like to think its all about really good sex but I don't think so. I have come to depend on him as a friend and don't want much more right now.

Hope you are well other than what happened. I don't have answers because frankly I think most men are shit. I'm really leary about letting my guard down with this one. SO I can't blame you

take care